47. 24/I/25: strangers with same surnames and social media driven mild self-loathing

well the email thing clearly fumbled, I haven't gotten a single email since my last post
and by the way, waiting for precisely a month was not intentional, I just happened to not want to write another entry until now
if you are a great fan with great memory or have simply read through all the entries recently, you will remember that the title to this entry actually traces back to entry 13 a month and a year ago
the truth is that the situation has only gotten worse. each of us is more sucked into our phones than before, or maybe I didn't notice so much before since I didn't spend every day of the week with them as I do now
yes I said it, I'm not without sin either, I also get into my phone or into my laptop at the slightest chance I can
when I walk my dogs, I'm scrolling thru my phone
during the mornings and evenings, I'm either working/doing homework or playing on my laptop
when I'm sitting on the couch, I'm on my phone too. but so is my mother and father, so I don't feel so bad. or do I feel worse?
do I feel? no, I don't really think I do. I just look back at my phone to get rid of whatever semblance of an emotion or a thought I get
at least I try to preserve the braincells I still have by only doing one thing at a time
for example I'm not watching TV and scrolling through my phone at the same time, I'm not playing two videos and switching back and forth. I kinda take pride in that
but it's true that I need to have something going on, something that I can keep my attention focused on at all times, even if it's something banal
now of course I still do house chores and I still do hang out and talk with my friends when we meet in person
we talk ad nauseum with each other, and we also play card or tabletop games a lot of the time to keep us entertained
but at home it's different. we're all always doing something, and when we're not, we have our phone in our hand
we do talk with each other. my parents talk between each other a lot more than I talk to them, but even then they still plop down on the couch and get on their phones
I try to talk to them, I really do. but I mostly just ask how their morning has gone, what they plan to do for the rest of the day, to see if I can help them with any of that
but I myself don't have anything to spark a conversation with them, unless it's related to roads, like it was this morning, when I talked with my mom about the planned widening of the local freeway
so I just fall quiet, look into my phone, and wonder if they'll ask for my help or believe that I am too busy to help them
and when they do ask for my help, I'll sometimes get grumpy and do it without motivation
what the fuck, me? make up your mind! do you wanna help your parents or not? do you wanna talk to them, do as little as spend time with them, or not??
your father is still downstairs, he's still watching the movie. you had no need to go to bed this early or to write any of this junk
junk, yes. that's the name for half the things that are in your phone, junk
from the games you never play, thru the memes you never share and the porn you never fap to, to the videos that you watch with no end in sight until the time limit hits (and thank god that you found out how to set that time limit)
you do have photos with your friends and family and places you've visited too, of course. but all the rest, you really could do without, and you should seriously do without
deny yourself of all that bullshit. of the instant gratification. of the looking for the right video to watch while eating, or showering
you were able to live basically five years without instagram since you were first told about it. it'll be two years in march since you've had an account on it
do you think that it's made you into a better person? that it's done anything for you?
look at your profile, come on. look at how long it's been since the last time you posted anything onto it
look at how much stuff you posted on your first six months of having the app
to be fair, it was a collection of your stories, not your posts, but that's still ten solid minutes of stuff that, for the most part, YOU made and YOU uploaded
and ever since that video, in a year and half, you've only made ten more posts. now, most of your stories consist of good enough memes that you bump into when scrolling
all that scrolling and dopamine rushes has taken away from you your creative spark, the time that you'd spend making new things instead of just consuming already made ones
fuck, it's even dumbed down your language! you've let your standards fall that low. the messages you used to send in roleplays were pretty elaborate and they came so naturally to you, now you need to squish your brain to write something that exceeds two paragraphs in length. but that's a matter for another post...
what you need to do now is put your phone down. hell, when the exam season is over, put your laptop down too!
you need to let your creative juices start flowing again, stop simply watching videos and start making them again! even if they're just dashcam videos!
or better yet! START WRITING THE UPDATED VERSION OF MATALOSPINOS
DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT IT'S ALL STILL IN YOUR HEAD?
AND DO I REALLY NEED TO REMIND YOU HOW BADLY YOUR HEAD WORKS??
START WRITING THAT SHIT ONTO A PAPER OR EVEN ONTO A DOCUMENT INTO YOUR COMPUTER
and don't dare put a youtube video at the same time as you write
for now, just finish the gazette. that should be a good start
because I think we've both lost hope in you finishing the Berlanga entry