this is the third time I've started over writing this entry. hopefully this one's good
these last few days I've noticed that I haven't gone out with any of my friends
do note that I'm not only accounting for my friends back in town
I'm also talking about the classmates that I consider friends
because they're friends too
and I don't know what is up with me, but it's just one of those times again where I simply don't feel like it
don't feel like going out
it's one of those times again where I wish I could stay inside my bedroom and rot away
lock my door and throw away the key
but I know that my instincts would kick in
as they have before
and I would begin to throw myself at the door the moment I felt the slightest trace of malnutrition
oh, one second, I just got a DM from Abysal
that's gonna ruin my train of thought lmao
oh, right, you don't know Abysal
I should probably tell you who they are
someday I will, hopefully
another thing tacked onto the already endless bucket list
I was going to talk about how complex I feel I am in terms of personality/ies
the many aspects that I have
because I literally have moments where I act like a child
and moments where I plot murders
moments where I talk merrily and can't take a smile off my face
and moments where I am constantly turning around paranoid that someone is following me home
and I was also going to talk about the friend group that I have permanently cut ties with finally
it was a long time coming honestly, ever since I left the cre-creator server it's been downhill and no brakes
to be honest, I am surprised that I stayed for so long with that friend group
I've cried over that friend group
and this is how my relationship with it comes to and end
I know this is disorganized as fuck but I'm just getting things out of my head while I still fucking can
it's been three days since I left the last discord server that I shared with them
and none of them have written to me to ask how I'm doing, or why I left
I've texted one of them "godspeed"
I thought it would be appropiate to say goodbye to at least one of them, if it is the last time I'm gonna talk to them ever
maybe I picked the wrong one
but what does it matter now. I've cut my ties with them
it was the best choice for me
or at least I hope it was
now I just have to remember to keep it buried ...do not even think of speaking up.